Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
