Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
