did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
