i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
