im six kinds of drunk right now
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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