Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
