The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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