last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
