True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
