the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize