please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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