I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
