They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
