Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
