My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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