My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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