This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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