I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
