her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
