I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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