Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
