I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
