i don't plan on having that self control this summer
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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