i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
