You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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