My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
