i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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