my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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