I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
