I'm jealous of your bromance
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
