I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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