WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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