I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
