his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
