My hair reeks of homosexuality.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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