i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
