my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
