what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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