I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My dick has a subreddit
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
