I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
