I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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