new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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