He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
false alarm, still single
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
