I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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