sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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