Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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