So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
