you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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