i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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