The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Please, let me fuck your mom
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
