all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
