So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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