I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
