I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
