3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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