His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
