I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
