I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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