I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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