boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
