btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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